8 Signs Your Spouse is Seeing a Divorce Attorney

You’re probably on the casual lookout for signs that your spouse has found someone nicer, richer and better in bed. I mean, you’d notice a spare phone, someone else’s garage clicker. But what about the signs of a divorce attorney? Ilona Antonyan and Timothy Miranda, two of San Diego’s finest family lawyers, know the warning signs well because they strive to avoid leaving a trail of them!

1. Changed Passwords

TIM MIRANDA: Spouses often share passcodes to their email, phones and bank accounts. When access is suddenly revoked, this is one of the signs that someone has lawyered up and is trying to shield data.

2. Lost or Missing Documents

ILONA ANTONYAN: Both spouses should know what their marital estate consists of. Checking the mail and home office files to verify the status of financial and other  important accounts may be a good idea. If certain statements are missing, incomplete, under lock or otherwise conspicuously out of order, that could be a sign that the other spouse is gathering information to give to an attorney, or perhaps is removing the information altogether to prevent the other spouse from giving it to their (eventual) attorney.

3. Becoming a "Better" Partner or Parent

MIRANDA: Many people with issues that can be detrimental to their position in a divorce, such as substance-abuse problems, begin to shape up quickly and conspicuously when they plan on filing. This is particularly true where child custody will be an issue, as they don’t want to get nailed with any recent allegations of activity that might be considered detrimental to the best interest of the child. So, at the advice of their attorney, they’ll overtly clean up their act. For example, they won’t drink around the house anymore or will go out and finally obtain that medical marijuana card.

Similarly, a working or "busy" parent who  has primarily delegated parenting tasks to the other spouse will suddenly start to show an interest in Johnny’s underwater basket-weaving class. This false status quo of involvement will be used as a point of reference in a contested custody matter to countervail the non-working or "less busy" parent’s contention that they have a stronger bond with the child.

4. The Brush-Off from Shared Financial Professionals

ANTONYAN: Often, one of the spouses makes most or all of the money for the household. The "out" spouse may detect that the CPA, financial planner or similar professionals theoretically working for both parties no longer returns phone calls or has straightforward answers—as if they’ve been told by the breadwinner not to disclose information to the out spouse.

5. An Intentional Business Slowdown

MIRANDA: A primarily commission-driven spouse may no longer sell as many widgets as they historically have, even though the market for widgets remains constant. An hourly employee may no longer have the desire to earn [what’s] needed or available overtime. A business owner may abruptly put their grand plans to expand the business on hold. Essentially, be on the lookout for signs that the spouse is no longer earning at their normal capacity, as this is a common way to artificially deflate income at or about the time of the divorce filing (so that their financial support exposure will be lessened).

6. Chronicling Arguments

MIRANDA: It’s common for a spouse who is going to file for divorce to record arguments with the other spouse, whereas historically these types of arguments would have resolved organically or without fanfare. The idea is to document "evidence" for a restraining order and/or a custody dispute.

At the advice of some attorneys, a spouse [could] attempt to turn a normal argument into something much more severe by exaggerating it, then dialing 911 so that there’s a police report and possibly an arrest. This documents that there was an incident and which spouse was the "victim." Since documented domestic violence permeates everything from child custody to spousal support orders, the accused spouse can find themselves digging their way out of a hole before the proceedings even begin.

ANTONYAN: Also, we see a lot of threats and statements made in the heat of an argument, which are then repeated in a text message or email, when in the past they would have been dismissed by the recipient—"I can’t believe you said you’re going to take the children out of the state tonight," or worse. This could be a trap. If you don’t respond, or respond without refuting the statement, then it can be argued later in court that it is an admission. It becomes even more important to make the record clear when those text messages document false accusations of domestic violence. Unfortunately, those are often used to get an unfair advantage in custody and visitation battles to keep the other parent from seeing the children. 

7. Money Transfers from Joint Accounts

MIRANDA: Transferring large sums of money out of the joint bank account into an account in one spouse’s name alone may be a sign of an imminent divorce. Some spouses may do this in the hopes of building a war chest for the divorce proceeding while concurrently starving the other spouse out. Others may do this in an attempt to eschew the automatic temporary restraining orders that become effective once a divorce is filed. No matter the reason, it is not a good sign if the marriage is already rocky.

8. A Sudden Burst of Plastic Surgery

ANTONYAN: If your spouse suddenly decides to get cosmetic surgery when there has been no prior indication of that being a primary concern of theirs, that may be a sign. Aside from the obvious thought that they may be cosmetically improving to re-enter the dating scene, they may also decide to do this before they file for divorce so that it will presumptively be a community-property debt, meaning that the "unimproved" spouse will also be liable for half the cost. That sounds harsh, but it is not uncommon and makes for a good trial brief. 

has primarily delegated parenting tasks to the other spouse will suddenly start to show an interest in Johnny’s underwater basket-weaving class. This false status quo of involvement will be used as a point of reference in a contested custody matter to countervail the non-working or "less busy" parent’s contention that they have a stronger bond with the child.

SO WHAT’S THE DEAL WITH ILONA & TIM?

They actually met in family court. They never had a case against each other, but both say that if they did, the other one would have won. Yes, they used to date many years ago. "When we were dating, we would have dinner at 11 p.m. on a weeknight and spend our other time together working on laptops, preparing for trial," Miranda says.

"We even did this on our ‘vacations’ together," Antonyan adds. "This was not good for our dating relationship, but it really made the business partnership a no- brainer."

"The ironies abound since we’re in the divorce business," Miranda says. "But having had that personal relationship prior to the business one, she and I were able to gain a mutual trust and respect for one another that’s made our professional relationship successful."

In fact, they see their business partnership as living proof that people can continue working together after their romantic partnership ends—an important message for divorcing parents, who should always work together for the sake of the kids. "Life doesn’t end with a divorce. It begins," Antonyan says.